Distress

Here we go again, with those crazy ups and downs of mine.

What are some things that always ruin your writing mood?

Because I'm still not in the position where I'm being paid to write - and therefore do not have a much more real motivator to actually do the writing - I continue to operate under the fickle mindset of either I do feel like writing or I do not feel like writing.

I know there are some people out there who will say this does not matter. As a wise, old, green, pointy-eared man once said, "Do or do not. There is no try." And this much is very true in most cases. The same could be said even about this case as well.

But I'm not necessarily talking about some kind of crazy whim that takes control of my mood and says, "Oh, you're going to play video games instead," and then I follow. No, I mean what happens when you are truly upset about something, and there is absolutely no possible way you could bring yourself to write.

A few things are happening for me right now. I am at the tail-end of a very stressful move to our new residence, and so everything is still so in-motion and not yet locked-down. Also because of this, I'm also very tired from all the physicality involved (which, let's be honest, I'm not used to). We'll add to being tired with a new second job I've taken up at nights on the weekend (which means, on Saturday, I'm working two full-time jobs) to render me absolutely exhausted. I don't want to say I'm complaining...but I suppose I am. But I need the second job right now.

Finally, a large amount of work I had been doing on the "Brothers" story I was writing is now missing. The only completed work I have so far is not even half of what was originally done. I'm not sure if it's saved in another location that I cannot find, or if I accidentally saved over the last draft with the one I currently have. Either way, that's causing a lot of hardship, though I guess I could choose to look at it positively and say that it's an opportunity for a fresh start (which I've already begun).

So put all of that together, and you have one incredibly stressed-out guy. I'm beginning to lash out at others around me for idiotic things, I'm always tired, and I'm hating my job right now. I miss my friends, and I'm seriously sick of boxes. The good news is, after today, the move should be finished.

I wrote a short that I want to share, and will soon, about my frustrations with my job...and how my problems are laughable compared to the hardships of others. I'm actually pretty proud of what I did, because I was very truthful and revealing about myself. I ended up slightly hating the story because of how honest it was.

I'll probably post it up here soon, who knows?

Hope

Check that out, a light at the end of the tunnel...

What gives YOU hope?

Every now and then, I get this feeling. I look at the things around me, at the position I'm in, and I feel a little funny inside. It's really hard to explain just what it does to me, but stomach-dwelling butterflies are involved for sure. A feeling of privilege is present. And a happiness comes into harbor.

It's hope. An extreme positive outlook on my future. Because of how hypercritical I can be of myself, and of how distracted and disheartened I can get, this feeling is rare...especially when it's this strong.

Now, I am one to get my hopes up. I expect a lot, and frequently receive very little. I can't help it though. I'm a hoper. I love the feeling that things are looking bright. It's kind of intoxicating. I get all excited and start sharing the good news (however potential it may be) with everyone! I think a part of this is me wanting to appear successful to people so that they congratulate me and say really positive things. Why do I crave this? I'm not sure...perhaps it's to counter that personal feeling of inadequacy, or to ward off the negativity I've felt from others throughout my life. I can't say, though, because I just don't know.

However, today's hope is brought to you by a seemingly universal alignment. I started writing comic book reviews because I felt overwhelmed by my normal projects that I had been attempting, and that recently turned into something meaning just a little more. My close friendship with Kristen, and my offer to explore some background-less characters has, also, recently turned into something more.

Meanwhile, I look around me and I see certain resources lining up all on their own. One of my favorite DC Comics writers, J.T. Krul, started a blog of his own (find it here and on my sidebar!), and he starts talking about script styles and formats for comic books. This is something I'm very interested in, and I value his opinion so highly. On my Twitter account ([at]chambernaut), I start getting Followers related to writing comics, creating comics, and resources for doing so. Funny enough, creating a comic was an idea I had recently, in regards to one of my long-time project ideas. I even did some research on it.

A good friend of mine, Taz, presents me with priceless advice and resources through which I can perfect my craft. He also instills such confidence into my own abilities and passion for writing that I can't help but feel better about myself after talking to him. Another person whose opinion I value highly. His perceived frustration with me and my...lack of commitment...is actually a clawing, mad hope that I'll find the success I'm looking for.

All of this, combined together, is just something that I can't ignore. I can't sit here and go, "Oh, what a coincidence." That would undermine the whole reason it's happening. Now this doesn't mean I'm going to go swinging all over the place, jumping from one compulsion to the next. I simply know that these are here. I shall remain surrounded by these fantastic turn-offs and side-trips..."tourist traps," I think I'll call them. I enjoy their company, and I'm very excited and happy about the feeling they provide.

Here's to an outstanding 2012.

Direction

Finally...some clarity.

That elusive feeling of being right on target.

I always thought that this would be the case. I really did. All it took for me to really decide on what to do...and to remain focused on a minimal amount of projects at a time...was the incentive. Now I'm not talking money (more like the potential for money), rather the responsibility of finishing something. The fact that there are other people counting on me to do the work. That's all it took. Amazing, right? I really knew that that's all I needed...but obtaining that feeling, that notion, was the hard part.



So I mentioned last time how I write comic reviews on my Tumblr account. That has since turned into something a little bit more. My So Much Comics review contributions can now be found on another website, a group of which I am a part: Real Comic Guys! They saw what I was doing and liked what I had to offer, and wanted me to join their group. The goal of Real Comic Guys is to provide a sort of "one-stop-shop" website for reviews and news for all kinds of comics from all over the web, as well as developing their own original stuff. They're starting out kind of small right now, as they just recently launched, but I feel like this will go very well, and it's nice to be a part of something bigger that shares my passion of comic books. It feels good to be counted on to finish my reviews. People have told me before that they buy comics based off what I say, and hopefully with this new group I can reach even more people.

Secondly, that cartoon in development has suddenly exploded into my main focus. Forget everything else I was doing (except comics :P). This project is going to be what I pour myself into. I met with the creator, named Frank, and my good friend Kristen, who's the art director. They like what I'm bringing to the table in terms of the characters and some thematic ideas for the show. We're all working together, and it's going to be excellent to be a part of a creative team like this. So now they, too, are counting on me to get stuff completed and to them. We have goals that are set. We have schedules (however loose they currently are) to keep. There are plans in place to get certain parts of this done by certain dates. So a lot of it is riding on me to have the story built and completed to the point it's needed.

See Kristen's artwork for project "Galaxy Travelers" on her blog: Howling Wolf Art.

So it seems like all the pieces I need are in place.

1. I'm excited about the project.
2. I have the tools I need.
3. I have the people counting on me.
4. I see the goals set in place for the future.

I'm more responsible for these projects now. Whereas, before, if I didn't get them done it wasn't a big deal because it didn't affect anybody else. Now it's different. Now, if I don't do it...it's my reputation on the line. And I guess that means something to me.

So here goes nothing, and I really hope this cartoon takes off and is bought by some distributing company so that we can all make lots of money. :)

Oh, and so you can all enjoy it too. ;)

What does it take to get you motivated? Are there "pieces" that you look for to keep you involved in a project? Do you think I should get an agent, now that I'm writing for something in development that could one day be bought and distributed? Or should I wait until we're closer to that point?

Hopping

Some old problems return....

Severe writing ADD and genre changing. You mad, bro?

I honestly feel like my brain is trolling my brain.

So I know I have not updated this blog in a long time, and there really is a reason for that. I have been taking a break from my own, creative writing projects (or exercises) so that I may kind of let my brain rest. It's exhausting to always just create, create, create, create, create, and create from nothing at all. To bring to life entire worlds, filled with real and full characters that live and breathe and make decisions that affect other characters around them, and all that. I guess I'm just not used to all that yet, on such a constant basis.

So I stepped away. I put everything on hold and started doing something else. Now, it's been made abundantly clear that I'm a fan of comic books. So, since I still wanted to write - don't want to completely dry up here, now do I? - I started a Tumblr account dedicated entirely to my love of comic books. On it, I "review" every comic book I read (I hate using the word "review," because I am by no stretch a professional of the business, but there you have it). So, if you're interested in that, you can check out my Tumblr here: http://somuchcomics.tumblr.com. Now, I have been spending almost all my time there, writing and researching. I've also been forming what I call "working acquaintances" with the various comic creators themselves. I've got some of them even following my Twitter account ([at]chambernaut)! And I've gained a loyal following of everyday readers. Hurray!

This has actually brought something out in me...something I've had in my head for a little bit. There's one story that I have been developing for years. It has so much content and so much to offer. I honestly don't think it would fit into one or two books, and especially not a screenplay. So...what's left? Comic books, of course. I had an epiphany, and I realized that this idea would make a great comic book! Now...how do you make a comic book? Well, I'm getting there, very slowly, and I'm looking at a couple of companies for publishing - Image Comics, for example. So we'll see where that goes.

But here's the problem, folks - and here's where that trolling comes in, I've always had the tendency to "project hop," and go from one thing to the next. This has been pointed out to me many times. Currently, the screenplay I started is still lying untouched since I put it on hold. I've been doing the comic reviews. Recently, another opportunity has appeared...for me to write a pilot for a cartoon series that a dear friend of mine is involved in (for her incredible art blog, go here: http://howling-wolf-art.blogspot.com). This is something I'd love to do...and I discovered something about myself.

I can do the half-hour format very well.

So...where I'm able to write and finish a half-hour script...am I not yet meant to try and tackle a feature-length screenplay? Is this the sign I needed? Am I not ready for movies? It's a shame, because I definitely have a lot of great ideas that I want to develop...and this just means I have to wait longer to see them through. Perhaps I need to master the half-hour format first and then try to take on feature-length scripts, once I'm experienced enough. Now...I'm okay with this discovery, truly I am. In fact, I'm excited about it! I'm so glad I've found something that fits! And it's TV! I do like TV, and cartoons!


Let's play catch up here. I have my not-so-half-finished screenplay sitting on hold. I have the comics Tumblr that's becoming more and more popular. I have this cartoon that I hope to get into. And I want to write and create a comic book series. That's four very different projects! All at once! Not to mention, all the while, I'm still coming up with more and more ideas! Since starting all this listed above, I've come up with TWO new ideas that I'm excited about and want to develop! One is more like a feature-length, and the other is more like a TV mini-series. Maybe two 2-hour episodes. Something you'd see on SyFy Channel.

INSANE, RIGHT?! I mean, how am I supposed to compete with this brain of mine?! How did I ever think I had any hope of surviving?! What am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to focus on right now? What am I meant for? I feel like I don't have time to focus on each thing individually, at a time, because then I'll have lost opportunities and moments of potential. I feel like I need to try everything at once so that I don't miss out on anything. It's a very frantic, uncomfortable feeling.

Aside from telling myself to relax and focus on one project at a time, anyone have any advice for me? Does anyone find that they're okay with working on multiple projects at a time? Here's another thing...some of these comic creators are covering more than one book a month. So I know it's possible...and I know I can at least attempt that much...but what's the secret? The time management secret?

Halted

Feeling guilty?  ...Or free?

Has time off ever felt this good?

I think this new frame of mind is finally settling in comfortably. It's got its flannel blanket, its slippers, robe, newspaper or what-have-you...seated back in its favorite chair. I had said previously that I didn't want to write for the "success" of it...to be a famous writer. I wanted to write simply because it made me feel good, because I liked being creative. Just for the sake of writing. At first it was rocky. I felt guilty when I didn't write, didn't get any work done. And that's after, like, two days!

Now? It's been over a month. I haven't written for the "My Missing Brother" story in over a month, since before I left for Cleveland. I also haven't been updating this blog. I thought this would eat away at me. I thought I would feel awful for not trying to live the dream, or at least achieve something! But I don't. I feel fine with it. I've accepted that there will be times when I'm just not feeling it. When I plain don't want to write. And since I'm not relying on any sort of paycheck or anything...there's no fire under my butt to finish.

Now, there was one thing.... I was approached on Twitter by a nice guy who offered his company's professional reading service to me. I was really pleased and excited by this, and really am thinking of taking up the offer. However, I get the impression it's somewhat time-sensitive. And that's cool, I get it. But...if I'm not writing, the window of opportunity closes a little more every day, and I get further from the possibility of qualifying for that offer. I'm both upset and okay with this. It's kind of weird.

I have and I haven't been busy. Sure, I could offer up all kinds of excuses: I'm working, spending time with my wife, spending time with my mom - who's back in town after years of being away, doing things with friends more often, blah blah blah. I also have a Tumblr that I check every day, so I'm spending time on that now, too. Batman: Arkham City just came out, so I've been doing that a lot (and, GOD, is it good!). There's so many other things that I'm choosing to do with my time instead of writing.

Yes, I completely understand that it's never going to get done if I don't DO IT -- but, for once, I don't feel bad about not doing it. It's more of a feeling of, "When I'm ready for it, I'll do it," right now. I guess I'm just not ready.

There is a flip side to this, though. Isn't there always? Alright, so I'm at peace with not writing at this moment. How long will that last? I just had a birthday two days ago. I'm a quarter-of-a-century old now. And please, older folk who've "been around the block" or whatever, don't laugh at how young I am and "how much time I have." I've heard it all (cynical much?). How am I going to feel about my non-progress next month? Next year? When will I start again? And how does this affect my projected timeline?

Everyone has one - a timeline. Something that they have in their minds of where they expect or hope to be at certain points in their life. A plan. Goals. Whatever you want to call it. So what's mine? If I were focused on the success and fame of writing, then I know I should be panicking right now. 25 years old? No real significant, completed work under my belt to show for it? That's not good for publishing or financial success, in my opinion. But, since I feel like I'm okay with not writing for now, that shouldn't matter. And I'm not panicking. I just wonder...how long will that last? 

How much time do I really have?

See, back to that now. Yeah, I just turned 25. Yeah, I'm still young. It's the oldest I've ever been. I'm always told two things - and it's really confusing (tell me if you've heard these before): "You're still young, you've got a lot of time ahead of you," whenever someone encourages me to take my time with things or not to worry -- and, "That time is gonna fly right by, and before you know it, you're 40-something wondering where it all went," whenever I reiterate the first one.

So which is it?

Do I have time? Or don't I?

Or is it a combination? I have time to do what I want, but make sure I do it before it's too late? Still kind of confusing and contradictory, but I'll take it, I guess. Hey, at least I don't have kids I need to worry about and take up my time as well. Yet.

Stagnation

Good news, bad news time.

Do you find it difficult to juggle multiple ideas?

I do have good news. I'm happier. I'm coming out of that funk that had me so down recently. Thank goodness. I just kind of realized it today while working. I just feel better. I think there was a combination of things that really helped me out this time. There was definitely that comic book signing with J.T. Krul and Sterling Gates. It went so well. It was awesome. I've met Sterling once before, and it was cool seeing him again. And meeting J.T. was just an absolute treat. I'm a big fan of his writing, and to finally get to speak with him about things was so fun. Also, a band that I love, Thrice's new album dropped on Tuesday. Needless to say, it was fantastic. I've listened to it countless times since getting it. I also got a hold of Foster the People's album...and that thing is FUN. It's been doing a great job of keeping me bouncy and upbeat.

So there have been a few things helping me to remember to stay happy lately. The bad news is, unfortunately, about writing. All of my "Brother" materials are still sealed away in our old computer...and I cannot get them off at this time. It appears whenever I turn the computer on, it never properly boots all the way to the desktop. So, my initial solution of just moving all my files to an external HD or a flash drive won't work at this moment...and we'll have to figure something else out.

Since I am uncomfortable continuing to write for "My Missing Brother" without the rest of my pre-written material, and I am still anxious to write, I have to come to a difficult decision. Something I've fallen victim to more than once in the past. Do I temporarily abandon this exercise for another?

I'm really hesitant to make this decision. More than once, my past, fickle self will just leap from one project to another with no rhyme or reason...simply subject to my whim. Even though I do have a reason this time, it still feels like it used to. And I'm afraid it will encourage old bad habits for future ideas and exercises. I treat it like a gateway drug, you know? I'm afraid that changing over, officially, to another exercise of mine will jeopardize my newfound dedication and allow my mind to flippantly decide it wants to write something else whenever it wants.

Can I trust myself to make this decision, and stay dedicated?

Can I hold myself accountable for these ideas and promise to come back to it when it's time?

Another thing that's getting me on this is that this exercise, "My Missing Brother", really meant something to me, and was very close to who I am and why I write. It was meant to be somewhat exorcising. So, leaving it behind for something else feels like I'm betraying myself.

So a simple solution comes up: Why not just start over?


That's definitely a possibility I have not overlooked. I have the Celtx screenwriting program on the new computer, so why not just restart writing the script? A rewrite could possibly help strengthen certain areas as well. Give me a fresh start. But without the original material, I feel like I would be missing things. It'd feel like flying deaf and blind. So, who cares? Right? I should just at least try it, yes? If it doesn't work, then at least I've exhausted my options, and I wouldn't feel as guilty, possibly, in moving on to another exercise for the time being.

There is that. The other side of it is these other exercises are very attractive to me. They're exciting and fresh. I look at the one about the struggling screenwriter and a fire lights under me. I look at my fantasy-setting story, and I become inspired, imagining sprawling landscapes. I think about the story about the group of friends growing up, and I am filled with all sorts of ideas about how these people will be struggling through their lives.

So why not just start with a new one anyway? Without even attempting a rewrite on "My Missing Brother"?

That's where I'm torn. My feelings about both sides of it are strong, and I cannot decide. So that's causing inaction. Maybe I should just flip a coin. If I simply cannot decide...let's allow fate to decide. So here we go. I'm actually doing this write now, as I type.

Heads: I attempt a rewrite of "My Missing Brother"
Tails: I move on to another exercise for now

Call it! [flip]

Wow. After I caught it, I had to take a moment to breathe before looking.

It's Heads.

So there you go. It seems much easier with the decision out of my hands. I understand how Two-Face feels now. I feel calmer. Ready.

No more agony for me right now. I'm going to get started on this soon.

Do you find it hard to work on multiple stories at one time? What kind of techniques do you employ to keep them separated in your mind and writing area? Or do you feel totally loyal to one story until it's finished? How many ideas have you started and then left behind? How many of those were left behind for no apparent reason?


Thanks for reading!

Recovering

I'm trying to climb my way out of this funk. I'm not well-equipped to handle this amount of anger and depression.

What usually cheers you up?

So, from my last blog post, you may know that I've been a bit down lately. Well...it's been a real roller coaster this past week. I'm finally looking at the light at the end, but it's so bright that I can't tell how far ahead of me it actually is. So I don't know how far I'll have to go to reach it.

Basically I'm saying I don't know what I have to do to reach that happiness again.

Sterling Gates's Kid Flash Lost #1

J.T. Krul's Teen Titans #100

I've tried this. I've tried that. It all seems so up in the air. I have some things I'm looking forward to this month, and I'm sure I'll have a good time with those. I'm meeting DC Comics writer J.T. Krul (Teen Titans, Green Arrow, Captain Atom), and seeing writer Sterling Gates (Kid Flash Lost, Hawk & Dove) again, this Wednesday in Pasadena. I'm extremely excited about that. I also have a Chevelle concert the following Wednesday (and another meet-n-greet with J.T.).

That next Sunday, I'm flying out to Ohio to see my Mom...and then we're driving back to California together so she can live with us for a little while. I'm also very excited about this.

I'll be getting my own personal netbook next month, something I can carry with me places and whip it out whenever I feel like writing. Something to store all of my information on so that I can have it all in one, organized place.

"Nothing to show for it."

The beginning of November brings my birthday. I'll be a quarter of a century old. I'm not sure if that's something to be happy about or not yet...as I'm still struggling with that whole feeling of "having nothing to show for it" at this point (that's career-wise, mind you). How long is THAT lovely feeling going to last?

So I do have reasons to be happy. But last night and today, I was just SO ANGRY. It's like George Carlin said: I hate it when cashiers tell me to have a great day. What if I didn't want a great day? What if I had 364 good days in a row, and I just really want to have a shitty day?

It's like that. It's almost like I'm determined to have a bad day.

Last night, I felt so frustrated and destructive that I decided to try and be constructive with that energy, instead of internalizing it and causing myself emotional harm. I decided to take it out on the only kinds of people who can continually and silently take that kind of punishment: my characters. They take everything and anything I throw at them. I focused my writing anger into a writer character - for my next story idea. I wrote a quick scene in which the character, fed up with everything around him, contemplated and even attempted suicide in a heated emotional moment. But he chickens out. This turned into the scene that I want to start the screenplay with, maybe. And today, as I sat here, unusually pissed off at my work, I wrote more about this story...piecing the beginnings together.

It's turned into something that, while somewhat hollow still, I can go off.

So I'm trying to bring myself out of it. I'm trying to feel better. I want to feel better. But sometimes it's hard. It's difficult to just switch off angry mode. But...I have a couple days off now. My mid-week weekend starts tomorrow. It'll be good to unwind. Do some housework to keep my mind occupied. Then some more writing. Hopefully tomorrow I won't be wearing my angry face.

Cloistered

Trying to deal with a few things in my life right now, and I'm struggling with it.

How do your personal feelings affect your writing?

Today I wrote out everything that I'm feeling about myself, specifically. It's pretty lengthy. It started with me saying how, earlier today, I felt really sick. And I was wrapped up in my own head thinking about my wife. I don't think I'm ready to put down on this blog, so publicly, everything that I wrote about myself. Frankly, I'm a very private person when it comes to that kind of thing. I don't want people offering their advice, I don't want pep talks, nothing like that. They always feel so empty, for some reason. Like...obligatory. I don't want pity encouragement. I guess I'm one of those "scary" types, where I'm outwardly very okay...but internally, it's very different. I can tell because my Mom can tell. Whenever I talk on the phone with her, she can hear it in my voice if I'm a little down...and she'll ask me if everything's okay. I'm usually pretty honest with her, about being less-than-okay if that's the case. But, again, I'm very private. I don't tell everything.

I figure, these are my problems. Nobody else should have to deal with them. Hell, I barely want to deal with them, why should I put that responsibility on someone else? No, these are for me to work through. Now, all this talk may seem all dark and ominous, but I can assure anyone reading this...I am not the self-destructive type. I used to be. Back in middle school, I was very depressed and all of the pressures eventually got the best of me, and I broke down to some pretty frightening thoughts. Luckily, a friend of mine, Chris, was there to help pull me up. I will always remember that day, Chris, and I will always be thankful to you.

However, I still battle various forms of depression from time to time as my roller coaster of a mind dips and rises to all the extremes. Today seems to be one of those overwhelming days, where everything starts culminating into one gigantic monster that appears unbeatable. Issues with my own writing, situations at home, and questions about my own future. Everything is pressing in on me, cornering me, and like a wild animal I'm looking for a way out. But at least I'm still fighting it, right? I think that's where some of my sickness was coming from this morning, that internal conflict.

I want to be happy. I want people around me to be happy. I'd also like to be able to contribute to their happiness. I understand what needs to be done to become happy, but then another aspect of my mentality, my personality, kicks in and I become unmotivated to do what needs to be done. I become lazy. It's a vicious cycle, my friends. And thus I am stuck in this perpetual loop. Things get better for a little bit, and I get lazy, and things get worse. Then I get desperate, work a smidge, and become complacent when things are a little better. This process is my enemy. I need to eliminate it. I need to take responsibility for my actions, much like my character, Daniel. We both try to run from our problems, to mask them and block them with other things that make us happy. We try ignoring them completely. And then we're surprised when it comes up and bites us on the nose.

I wonder how much of a nose I'll have left by the time I finally learn my lesson and change my behavior for good.

Thanks for reading. I'm trying not to be so self-pitying with this blog lately. But if I don't put the words down, like I did earlier, I'll just go insane. My thoughts need to be expressed, organized, and exorcised. Here's to the best in all of us.

Stretched

I'm not quite sure how much longer I'll be able to take this. A bit overdramatic? Yeah, I do that.

How do you avoid your breaking point?

The computer's back from the losers at Geek Squad, who WAY over-priced me. In fact, it was so over-priced that we didn't have the work done it needed. Just had them send it back. So the computer's not very healthy right now. We're looking into other solutions (I work for a computer hardware parts supplier now, so who knows?). But enough about that.

Not having that, and not having continual access to Twitter and this blog has been somewhat aggravating. I definitely don't want to start lashing out at people through my frustration. I've been feeling this anxiety lately. It definitely came about while out with some friends the other night. It's weird - I'm out for drinks with these great people, and we're having a good time and all, but I suddenly get this unsettling feeling that I'm not doing enough when it comes to my writing. Where the hell did that come from? Out of nowhere! I'm familiar with this anxiety, it happens occasionally, especially when I haven't been writing for a while. Just yesterday, I Tweeted that I had a compelling urge to blog, but didn't have any subject to blog about.

So it's definitely that there's this feeling eating away at me, and it's becoming violent with me. Maybe this is my muse, trying to knock me around a bit like a wife that won't make a sandwich. There's something in me, fighting to be noticed, used. It's even come to the point where, in lieu of actually writing, I've started just imagining stories in my head and letting them play out.

Like the picture above, I feel like each of my threads have been cut, one by one, just to see how long it will take to get me to the last one, and to the point where I just go crazy. So I've been trying to do things to get my mind off it and to keep me from that moment. It's been working, sure, and I'm pleasantly distracted, but apparently it's not enough if I'm having these bouts with this anxiety and it's making me twitch.

It's come to this, then. I need to find some way of being able to stick with my writing on a regular basis - computer problems be damned. Right now, I'm sitting in a new-paint-smelling office on a slow Saturday at work. There's definitely enough time to open up a Notepad document and just start writing. Thing is...I'm not real comfortable working on the "My Missing Brother" story, really, because it's been so long and I don't have all the information here. So maybe I'll try something else. Just a simple exercise. Maybe I'll try one of Girls With Pens' writing prompts that they regularly post.

All I know is I need some fun. I need something that's stimulating and interesting. Who knows...maybe it'll turn into something to add to my list of ideas that I want to develop.

Do you have anxiety attacks about writing/not writing? How do you overcome that feeling? How long have you gone at one time without writing for any of your ideas? Do you find regular, non-related exercises helpful?

Thanks for reading! Go check out Girls With Pens too!

Decommissioned

UGH. I'm having such a hard time with this, it's almost embarrassing.

Are YOU reliant on social networking websites?

Well, the computer's in the shop. And, the way it's going, I don't know when we're getting it back (thanks, Geek Squad, won't ever be using you again). It's a simple fix, really, but their communications systems are completely unreliable and useless. So, the absence of the computer has done three things to me, I've found.

• I can't write. Okay, that's a bit general. My "Brothers" story is all contained on that computer. No backups. I know, I know...I'm an idiot. Point is, all my notes, the script and story so far, is all on that computer. So, yes, I could write if I wanted to. Just paper and pen, right? But there's no reference. There's nothing I can look back on if I need to go, "Hey, what was that back there again?" Is that an excuse? Some people may say so. I feel it's a legitimate concern. What if I do all this writing, and find it's no good because of contradicting elements that I'm forgetting? Is that an excuse? Up to you, I guess.

• Also, when I hand write like that...I don't know what it is, perhaps the fact that virtually my entire adult life has been spent at a keyboard...my hand cramps up really quickly and hurts, quite a lot actually. So I have this aversion to writing by hand. Another excuse? Could be, I suppose, but I'd rather not be in pain, tell you the truth.

• The second thing not having a computer has done is bring me to see something about myself - I'm totally dependent on social networking to survive. Alright, a bit overdramatic (but, hey, that's what I'm known for). This is actually a coupling of two things: no computer + new job. At my old job, I had the leisure time to just browse Twitter ([at]chambernaut) all the time. Seriously. Constantly. Same with Facebook. But now, I don't have that kind of time with this new job. Now, don't get me wrong - I LOVE my new job. It's pretty sweet. I'm finding that I miss that time, though. So, now, with the computer at home gone...and the absence of Twitter throughout the day...I'm getting twitchy. I really feel like I'm missing out on things that I'd otherwise know and enjoy.

• Finally, it's the same with Blogger here - I used to have the time to go through all the blogs I follow and read the posts and participate (sorry, Jami!). Not to mention update THIS blog, which is why I haven't been posting new content as regularly as before.

So that's basically my pain right now. Twitter withdrawals and a burning need, yet hesitance to write.

I'm curious to know what you think.


Am I making excuses?

Do you find yourself making excuses for not writing, when you know full-well you could be writing at that very moment?


How many days can you go, comfortably, without looking at Twitter? Facebook? Blogger?

Thanks for reading!

Development

It'll be a short one today, hopefully. Gotta get back into writing!

How do you handle the unexpected?

So there have been some new developments in my life that have caused me to slack somewhat on my screenplay. Among those was my transition out of my previous job straight into my new one, which I started Thursday morning. This whole job process has been somewhat occupying my time, what with getting everything set and ready. But it would be unfair and, frankly, untrue to blame it solely - or even largely - on the new job acquisition.

Mainly? There are two things.

• In my script, I've been somewhat stuck. Not quite sure what should happen next, and how. My desire to keep action, dialog, and business fluid, realistic, and honest has prevented me from thinking of a solution to this scene I'm on. Usually that means a rewrite is in order, but I'm hoping an idea will come to me first. Rewrites can always happen the next time through the script. This is first draft, after all. My biggest concern with this is it's not good to be stuck when the STORY of the screenplay is already planned out. It should come more easily.
• Second, let's be honest here. I haven't been writing because a good portion of my time has been reading comics. I know, I know: those won't do me any good, they won't push me any further toward my goals, and they don't provide applicable substance to my exercises. I've heard it all before, trust me. But, lately, I've been really getting into this one writer at DC Comics who wrote both the last Green Arrow run (#s 1-12) and Teen Titans (#s 88-100). So I read all of his issues back-to-back to really see the full story of these books. And, from the viewpoint of someone who writes, these books are brilliant. I so thoroughly enjoyed them.

So those are finished now, and I won't be devoting quite as much time to those comics as I just did for the past week or so. I'll still continue to read comics, but more moderately and in a controlled fashion. Not as an excuse to fill time.

I should have more time to devote to writing now, and that excites me (which is good, for me, to be excited returning to an idea). I'm also considering using my days off to look into taking one or two writing courses at the local community college...see how I'd benefit. Back to the screenplay now!

What sorts of distractions normally, frequently get in your way? What does it take to realize you're putting things off and to get yourself back on track? Do you allot time from your daily schedule to devote to writing, no matter what?

Certainty

I feel like I have to apologize...but I know even that serves into this self-pitying purpose that this blog seems to have become. I think I'm writing in it out of spite now. The apology mentioned is because of the last blog post. It came off a lot more "attention-whorey" than I wanted.

That post was a precursor to a near-and-total meltdown on my part.

I have not been dealing with a few issues in my life properly, and my writing has been a huge part of that. I had to come face to face with the demon in my life: the fact that I NEVER finish any of my projects. No matter what the cause (even though the causes are all me). This is something that's been plaguing me for years. Since well over a decade ago. And I always thought I had an answer, but apparently not.

When I first started writing, I knew my craft wasn't excellent. I was way too green. Hell, I still am in many ways. And I used to think that was it: that I wasn't experienced enough or learned enough to know how to complete a work. So I studied. I took courses. I read books. I filled my head with the process. Yet the problem remained. I thought it could possibly be the projects themselves - the subject matter. Was it not compelling enough for me? That may have been an infinitesimal fraction of the reason. Point is...I never figured it out.

I would get SO frustrated with myself! So angry! I would beat myself up psychically, wondering why I wasn't worth enough to FINISH something! WHY!? WHY CAN'T IT BE DONE?!!

Luckily, I have close friends and family to thank for helping me through my recent meltdown.

With their help, I learned that my problem with quitting comes from a couple different, related things. Because of my childhood, I apparently feel a need to make something of myself. To be known for something, and to have great accomplishments. This feeds into my desire for personal success. Because of my creative side, I've chosen writing as my outlet and road to that success that I crave. So what does that make me? A writer, of course. And that's how I defined myself. That's the second problem. A man shouldn't define himself by what he does...that leaves him with nothing, were that thing he does to disappear - or, in my case, not come to fruition.

I needed to figure out who I am. How am I defined? And what do I REALLY want out of writing?

I cannot define myself as any of these: "son", "husband", "friend", "employee", "writer". Because I could lose my parents, my wife, my friends, my job, and never become a published writer. So with that revelation comes, what I believe to be, the final truth. I am a creator, an entertainer, a teacher, and a helper. None of those things can be taken from me. Those are all things inherent in my personality, in who I exactly am. Even if I were to be the last person on this planet due to some incredible I-Am-Legend-related disaster, I can still create imaginatively...I can still entertain myself...I can still teach myself as I learn...and I can help myself through it all to the end. My desire, my drive to do all of those things will never subside, no matter where I am in the world.

Looking back over everything I've written in this post, I cannot help but feel an incredible happiness. I finally know who I am. I have faced the darkness within, looked my bare Self in the eye, and I didn't blink. There is no other feeling like this.

I am no longer a writer.

I am simply a man who writes.

Whether I become published, famous, well-known or anything of the sort - I will always love to write. That is my success.

Huh. The original title to this post was "Uncertainty".

I'm still going to write my Cleveland-based story about two brothers separated. I'm still going to write in this blog. I don't care if maybe only three people read it. I just don't know when that next time is going to be. This is an exercise. And apparently an exorcism. And that's helpful.

DNF

My wife and I were able to get our place set up and ready to receive my cousin. He came, we did stuff, and now he's away with friends of his. He may return to our abode before leaving for back home, he may not. Plans are a bit up in the air. The point is...as can be discerned from the title of this blog post...that I did not finish.

However, in choosing to look at the bright side, I cannot necessarily be disappointed in myself as I mostly expected this.

I'm horrible with writing deadlines. I can imagine myself being not-so-successful in the business because of this. Who knows, maybe with a financial incentive things would be different. I fear a lot of the excitement I had before for this project has just gone out. I find myself bored when I ask if I should write. Then I end up doing something else.

I've recently been trying to psych myself up and get back into the project, especially now that things have calmed down substantially at home. Job stresses are easing as well, and I'm hopeful for a position that's available to me. All of this combined is turning me back on to my project. But I fear that I'm not as interested as I used to be, and this is because I don't talk to anyone about the project. There's no back-and-forth. That always gets my blood pumping. So what does that mean? Am I meant to be a collaborative writer? With a partner or team? Who knows?

Someone on Twitter said: "Writing: 'This is interesting!' --> effort --> effort --> effort --> finished --> 'this is stupid, who cares'"

But with me, it feels like I don't ever reach the "finished" part before I get fed up and go "this is stupid, who cares". I was hoping that this blog would be a healthy output that would provide that communication for me, but there's no real return coming back .There's the "back" I need, but no "forth". And I understand and accept this. I knew from the moment I started this blog that it wouldn't be hugely popular, that I wouldn't have followers, that there wouldn't be intense open discussions here.

Knowing that, I still started the blog, because I thought it would be helpful for me to have an outlet of some kind...even if it was me and only me. I know the three reasons that people read blogs: 1) really good SEO, 2) really famous, or 3) really funny/interesting. I know I don't have any of those and I'm okay with that. I mean, notice how I barely follow any kind of schedule in making new posts.

So the point is...is this blog a successful outlet for my thoughts and frustrations regarding my writing?

And if it's not, do I continue writing for it? And where do I go to find that back-and-forth discussion that spurs me into action?

If I do find that someone or somewhere...do I keep this blog going anyway?

I do consider writing to be somewhat self-serving (in a more positive way than the term connotes), and this blog is about as self-serving as it gets (in more of the negative way). And yes, I am totally aware that this blog is a personal pity party. A PPP, if you will.

Hurdles

So to break tradition with the order of the content of my posts (see previous blog post), I would like to proudly announce that progress has STILL been made on the screenplay since I started it.

I have a very good outline drawn out that I will be referring to as I write Act-to-Act, and am about halfway through Act 1.

Now here come the hurdles. It really does feel like a relay. I started out strong, ahead of the pack, I made that first turn and pulled further ahead...and then I see the hurdles ahead - my kryptonite - and miss a couple, tripping up and falling behind.

Due to some unforeseen circumstances, the economy has started to take its toll on me and I am desperately struggling to find a new job. This scramble is taking time away from writing, which is truly frustrating given how far I've come in such a little time.

I am trying to work here and there, but things are a bit overwhelming for me at the moment and I'm having trouble focusing and staying dedicated. I would say outside influences on my life definitely have an adverse affect to my writing time.

Apart from the financial troubles, I have a relative (can one be called "long-lost" if we've never met before?) coming to visit for a bit over a week this month, so the wife and I are preparing for his arrival. Now I do not want, in any way, for this to be construed as frustration because I am beyond excited to meet and spend time with my cousin. So, while preparations are taking time from writing, it's for a great reason.

Now the antsy feeling I'm getting from his arrival is actually due to something very specific: the deadline that I've set for myself - to have a first rough draft of my screenplay finished by mid-July - well...that's for him. I want to finish it while he's here so he can read it. So I'm just nervous that I'm not going to be able to meet this deadline. Here's hoping though. Maybe a few all-nighters will get it done.

The good news about these hurdles is that they're temporary. Eventually, I will pass them all and be able to make a determined sprint for the finish line. As a plus, the job situation may work out brilliantly very soon. I have some good contacts that I'm using to try and get something excellent lined up. That will also help solve the financial hurdle. My cousin's visit is something I'm looking forward to immensely, and, while something of a hurdle, is one that I will easily clear without a problem.

The point is...everything will work out. In the everlasting words of the Blue Lantern Corps:

All will be well...

Yes, I'm a nerd.

Beginning

Alright, it's finally happened. With only a slight lack of some of the final research, I have actually begun the screenplay.

It's been a while since my last post, and there have been a lot of things going on in my life, but I've been doing a lot of research. That includes watching the recent movie "Kill the Irishman", and other Danny Greene documentaries.

So I have been wanting to feel like I'm actually accomplishing something, and I have enough information, at least, to start. So I began the actual screenplay. It's incredible. I have a really good feeling about it so far. There are only a couple things that may need touching up in later drafts. That's a great start, if I do say so myself.

Once I have confidence in copyrights on this work, I'll be able to post samples.

If you're wondering, I use Celtx to write. It's a great, free program you can download from their website, www.celtx.com.

More updates as they come!

Acceptance

I guess, if you could say anything about this blog, you could say it's consistent.

Post A: "great progress being made!"

Post B: "I'm so sad because there's no progress!"

Post C: "So depressed... T_T"

Post D: "OMG GREAT PROGRESS MADE!"

Post E: "Man, no progress for a while...."

Go ahead and place your bets on what this post is going to be about. You got it. WOO GREAT PROGRESS!! I guess it's just a creative cycle I go through? Perhaps it's a learning experience I need to overcome or something. I'm really not sure. But, damn, is it annoying. And counter-productive too! So perhaps I just need to accept that this is part of my process. Not all too certain of what needs to be done yet.

However! Let's get back to the best part! I've made leaps and bounds! This is, of course, with some help from a friend and, somewhat, mentor. He even helped me develop the initial premise for my NEXT project, once this one is finished.

You heard it here first (or perhaps right from me in person...): I have a new project lined up after this one. And, boy, is it a doozy.

So, this story idea that I'm working on now used to have a huge superpowers plot to it. But I have slid that aside for the more "human" story buried within. Funny part is I found a way to still make the main character, Jacob, still "super" in his own way. I'm incorporating a condition for Jacob to have that has to do with his memory. This also opens avenues for why he would be attractive to the Mob.

This is turning into a very exciting story. I really hope I can pull it off!

Updates will come as great things happen!

Overwhelming

My unproductivity from the last blog post has persisted.

It, along with a number of other things going on in my life, has driven me into a state of moderate depression.

Like most people in this economic climate, I am experiencing financial troubles. Thankfully, I have a job and a home and a wife with an equal income to mine. But certain situations have led up to us clinging to each dollar and cent we have. This will pass, of course, as it always does. I know this. We always get through. Sure, things will be stressful for a few weeks while we build everything back up...but it's still a very depressing state in which to be.

On top of that, and a couple other things, I'm having yet another creative crisis. This seems to happen to me very often, which worries me. I mean, is this going to affect my professional career, when the time comes that I'm writing on a schedule for a planned movie to start pre-production? There's that too: am I even going to get to that point?

That's what has me all upset. I feel like every day I slip further and further away from that life goal...that career that I so desperately want. I do want this for myself, for my future family, pretty much more than anything else. I know that. That is a truth.

So...why can't I do it?

What is keeping me from this stupid project? What is stopping me from writing? Why aren't I motivated? I KNOW I WANT THIS! So why am I not doing ABSOLUTELY everything I can to make it work? What's holding me back? I don't understand this! I'm afraid that I never will understand this! I'm scared that this is some kind of condition, sickness or complex, you know? Am I subconsciously keeping myself from success? From happiness? There's no real other logical explanation I can think of. Why would I do that? I've already mentioned that this is the thing I want...so why keep myself from it? Do I somehow feel I deserve punishment for something?

I really cannot figure this out. And it's frightening that I can't figure it out. I have the goal and the dream, and the desire. But what's missing is my drive and motivation, my determination. I even tried the ever-famous advice of setting a goal for myself, a time-frame in which to complete part of the project. But June is more than a quarter through now...and I'm not close to achieving that marker.

There's so much that's just frustrating me right now. And I'm having trouble reconciling everything. So here I am, pleading into the infinite and uncaring universe that something in me will change. That I will find some kind of reason, or understanding. That I will find my spark and turn it into an everlasting nuclear reactor of creative energy and drive.

I want to be hopeful. I want to be positive.

But I know myself.

Unproductivity

Well I had a three-day, Memorial Day weekend in which existed plenty of time to further my research. I did, at first, on Friday. I spoke with a family member who had further knowledge of crime in Cleveland back in the '60s. That was superbly helpful. But after that, I only really talked about the project twice during the whole weekend. And now, today, I'm paying the price for it. I'm beating myself up for my inactivity.

This is a dangerous point in the story-making process for me. This is limbo. This is that span of time in between serious story preparation and serious story writing where it's up to me to stay on top of the project, to make sure I'm doing everything I need to do, before I actually start writing. Many times in the past, I've struggled here with projects that never make it out of limbo...that are stuck in development hell.

So I'm at that point again with this story...and it's a story that I'm excited to write - I'm invested, I'm anxious. I want this to happen, to work. I want this story told. I've never felt this kind of fire in my chest for any past project. And I've always been excited about my past projects. Therefore the self-inflicted consequences of not getting this done are so much greater.

That all having been said, today I understandably feel awful. I feel like I squandered the weekend away with nonsense that won't amount to anything worth while. It definitely didn't contribute to the project or its progress. So what the hell was it for? Why didn't I work? Man, I hope I can get my head back on straight...because I can't stay this unhappy with myself for long. I don't want to depress myself.

My goal remains to have at least a first draft script ready and done by the end of July. I still think I can accomplish that, since I now have about two months to go. That's plenty of time to get the script written. Now it's just a matter of getting myself to actually do it. No more random bursts of accomplishment. No more small moments of success.

I'm in it to win it.

Dawg.

Narrowed

In my search through the history of our nation and its most well-known "steel towns", I have found a lot of interesting information. I know I want the story of the two brothers set against that kind of backdrop, and I want that industrial infrastructure to have influence on the story too. There were four cities that I could think of that are known for their industrial economic base: Detroit, Louisville, Cleveland, and Pittsburgh.

At first, Detroit was really a place that I could imagine the story taking place. I was really into that idea. But as I delved into the Motor City's history, I realized that it just doesn't fit demographically and due to other story requirements that I had.

It pleased me, though, to see that - as I researched the other cities - one of them was really pulling through as a definite possibility. My home-away-from-home, Cleveland. I have to admit, I love Cleveland. Probably because I don't live there. Though I think if I were to move there, it would take some time to finally get tired of it. Everyone who lives there/grew up there say the same thing - they wish they could get out of Cleveland.

And you know what? That's perfect for my story. 

So I started doing more and more research on Cleveland between the 1950s and 1980s, forming a history for the family in my story based around the actual history of Cleveland. I spoke with family of mine that spent their lives there, that had firsthand knowledge of what it was like back then.

I'm really finding that this will really fit my story. I'm finding this is the setting the story needs, deserves. I'm happy that I've found my city. Cleveland has always held a special place in my heart - visiting family during the holidays, going to Indians games in the summer and fall, chilling in Strongsville and Lakewood, driving up to Cedar Point...all sorts of fun was had throughout my life in my many visits to Cleveland.

So now it's just a matter of narrowing down the time frame that this will all take place in. As I mentioned before, I have certain time periods that are my favorites, and learning more about Cleveland in those times is a blast. I'm having so much fun with this research. I cannot wait to start putting in the pieces of real-world situations and problems into the background of my story.

There you have it, folks. Story's set in Cleveland.

Specificity

So after finally finishing that story for my script, I've decided to take a small break in writing. This is mainly due to some kind of sickness I've had this past weekend (from food, booze...or a combination of the two), but also because the writing NEEDS a quick break.

Please, allow me to explain. *adjusts imaginary glasses smirking*

As mentioned in the title of this post (by the way, I'm having so much fun creating these single-worded titles), the story is in need of some specificity...some detail that I have left out so far. Most of this detail was purposely not included. Let me clear the air a bit with what all this is about.

My story is about two brothers who are separated, and the younger of them seeks out on a sole journey to find the elder. The younger brother then gets messed up with all sorts of bad things.

So, those kinds of things he becomes involved in, and how he's involved, is very much determined by a couple of things:
Location
and time.
These details have been left out because I have not yet decided on how I want to work those into the story. I have some ideas on what to do...and it definitely brings up some very exciting premises. For example there are certain time periods that are my favorites...and trying to work my story into those time periods is something to which I'm looking forward.

Location has been something I've been wrestling with as well. I know I want the place to be somewhat industrial, so it needs to have that reputation. Like a steel city, or motor city. I have a short list of what I want, so it's time for that tool every writer loves...

RESEARCH!!

So that will fill my stint of time spent not writing. I must do lots of research on locations, preferably industrial cities, during certain time periods. This will affect the culture and characters in my story. And so much more.

If you have any suggestions on where to find that kind of information (besides the obvious "internet" and "libraries" - remember: specificity), let me know!

Stay tuned!