My unproductivity from the last blog post has persisted.
It, along with a number of other things going on in my life, has driven me into a state of moderate depression.
Like most people in this economic climate, I am experiencing financial troubles. Thankfully, I have a job and a home and a wife with an equal income to mine. But certain situations have led up to us clinging to each dollar and cent we have. This will pass, of course, as it always does. I know this. We always get through. Sure, things will be stressful for a few weeks while we build everything back up...but it's still a very depressing state in which to be.
On top of that, and a couple other things, I'm having yet another creative crisis. This seems to happen to me very often, which worries me. I mean, is this going to affect my professional career, when the time comes that I'm writing on a schedule for a planned movie to start pre-production? There's that too: am I even going to get to that point?
That's what has me all upset. I feel like every day I slip further and further away from that life goal...that career that I so desperately want. I do want this for myself, for my future family, pretty much more than anything else. I know that. That is a truth.
So...why can't I do it?
What is keeping me from this stupid project? What is stopping me from writing? Why aren't I motivated? I KNOW I WANT THIS! So why am I not doing ABSOLUTELY everything I can to make it work? What's holding me back? I don't understand this! I'm afraid that I never will understand this! I'm scared that this is some kind of condition, sickness or complex, you know? Am I subconsciously keeping myself from success? From happiness? There's no real other logical explanation I can think of. Why would I do that? I've already mentioned that this is the thing I want...so why keep myself from it? Do I somehow feel I deserve punishment for something?
I really cannot figure this out. And it's frightening that I can't figure it out. I have the goal and the dream, and the desire. But what's missing is my drive and motivation, my determination. I even tried the ever-famous advice of setting a goal for myself, a time-frame in which to complete part of the project. But June is more than a quarter through now...and I'm not close to achieving that marker.
There's so much that's just frustrating me right now. And I'm having trouble reconciling everything. So here I am, pleading into the infinite and uncaring universe that something in me will change. That I will find some kind of reason, or understanding. That I will find my spark and turn it into an everlasting nuclear reactor of creative energy and drive.
I want to be hopeful. I want to be positive.
But I know myself.