Beginning

Alright, it's finally happened. With only a slight lack of some of the final research, I have actually begun the screenplay.

It's been a while since my last post, and there have been a lot of things going on in my life, but I've been doing a lot of research. That includes watching the recent movie "Kill the Irishman", and other Danny Greene documentaries.

So I have been wanting to feel like I'm actually accomplishing something, and I have enough information, at least, to start. So I began the actual screenplay. It's incredible. I have a really good feeling about it so far. There are only a couple things that may need touching up in later drafts. That's a great start, if I do say so myself.

Once I have confidence in copyrights on this work, I'll be able to post samples.

If you're wondering, I use Celtx to write. It's a great, free program you can download from their website, www.celtx.com.

More updates as they come!

Acceptance

I guess, if you could say anything about this blog, you could say it's consistent.

Post A: "great progress being made!"

Post B: "I'm so sad because there's no progress!"

Post C: "So depressed... T_T"

Post D: "OMG GREAT PROGRESS MADE!"

Post E: "Man, no progress for a while...."

Go ahead and place your bets on what this post is going to be about. You got it. WOO GREAT PROGRESS!! I guess it's just a creative cycle I go through? Perhaps it's a learning experience I need to overcome or something. I'm really not sure. But, damn, is it annoying. And counter-productive too! So perhaps I just need to accept that this is part of my process. Not all too certain of what needs to be done yet.

However! Let's get back to the best part! I've made leaps and bounds! This is, of course, with some help from a friend and, somewhat, mentor. He even helped me develop the initial premise for my NEXT project, once this one is finished.

You heard it here first (or perhaps right from me in person...): I have a new project lined up after this one. And, boy, is it a doozy.

So, this story idea that I'm working on now used to have a huge superpowers plot to it. But I have slid that aside for the more "human" story buried within. Funny part is I found a way to still make the main character, Jacob, still "super" in his own way. I'm incorporating a condition for Jacob to have that has to do with his memory. This also opens avenues for why he would be attractive to the Mob.

This is turning into a very exciting story. I really hope I can pull it off!

Updates will come as great things happen!

Overwhelming

My unproductivity from the last blog post has persisted.

It, along with a number of other things going on in my life, has driven me into a state of moderate depression.

Like most people in this economic climate, I am experiencing financial troubles. Thankfully, I have a job and a home and a wife with an equal income to mine. But certain situations have led up to us clinging to each dollar and cent we have. This will pass, of course, as it always does. I know this. We always get through. Sure, things will be stressful for a few weeks while we build everything back up...but it's still a very depressing state in which to be.

On top of that, and a couple other things, I'm having yet another creative crisis. This seems to happen to me very often, which worries me. I mean, is this going to affect my professional career, when the time comes that I'm writing on a schedule for a planned movie to start pre-production? There's that too: am I even going to get to that point?

That's what has me all upset. I feel like every day I slip further and further away from that life goal...that career that I so desperately want. I do want this for myself, for my future family, pretty much more than anything else. I know that. That is a truth.

So...why can't I do it?

What is keeping me from this stupid project? What is stopping me from writing? Why aren't I motivated? I KNOW I WANT THIS! So why am I not doing ABSOLUTELY everything I can to make it work? What's holding me back? I don't understand this! I'm afraid that I never will understand this! I'm scared that this is some kind of condition, sickness or complex, you know? Am I subconsciously keeping myself from success? From happiness? There's no real other logical explanation I can think of. Why would I do that? I've already mentioned that this is the thing I want...so why keep myself from it? Do I somehow feel I deserve punishment for something?

I really cannot figure this out. And it's frightening that I can't figure it out. I have the goal and the dream, and the desire. But what's missing is my drive and motivation, my determination. I even tried the ever-famous advice of setting a goal for myself, a time-frame in which to complete part of the project. But June is more than a quarter through now...and I'm not close to achieving that marker.

There's so much that's just frustrating me right now. And I'm having trouble reconciling everything. So here I am, pleading into the infinite and uncaring universe that something in me will change. That I will find some kind of reason, or understanding. That I will find my spark and turn it into an everlasting nuclear reactor of creative energy and drive.

I want to be hopeful. I want to be positive.

But I know myself.