Certainty

I feel like I have to apologize...but I know even that serves into this self-pitying purpose that this blog seems to have become. I think I'm writing in it out of spite now. The apology mentioned is because of the last blog post. It came off a lot more "attention-whorey" than I wanted.

That post was a precursor to a near-and-total meltdown on my part.

I have not been dealing with a few issues in my life properly, and my writing has been a huge part of that. I had to come face to face with the demon in my life: the fact that I NEVER finish any of my projects. No matter what the cause (even though the causes are all me). This is something that's been plaguing me for years. Since well over a decade ago. And I always thought I had an answer, but apparently not.

When I first started writing, I knew my craft wasn't excellent. I was way too green. Hell, I still am in many ways. And I used to think that was it: that I wasn't experienced enough or learned enough to know how to complete a work. So I studied. I took courses. I read books. I filled my head with the process. Yet the problem remained. I thought it could possibly be the projects themselves - the subject matter. Was it not compelling enough for me? That may have been an infinitesimal fraction of the reason. Point is...I never figured it out.

I would get SO frustrated with myself! So angry! I would beat myself up psychically, wondering why I wasn't worth enough to FINISH something! WHY!? WHY CAN'T IT BE DONE?!!

Luckily, I have close friends and family to thank for helping me through my recent meltdown.

With their help, I learned that my problem with quitting comes from a couple different, related things. Because of my childhood, I apparently feel a need to make something of myself. To be known for something, and to have great accomplishments. This feeds into my desire for personal success. Because of my creative side, I've chosen writing as my outlet and road to that success that I crave. So what does that make me? A writer, of course. And that's how I defined myself. That's the second problem. A man shouldn't define himself by what he does...that leaves him with nothing, were that thing he does to disappear - or, in my case, not come to fruition.

I needed to figure out who I am. How am I defined? And what do I REALLY want out of writing?

I cannot define myself as any of these: "son", "husband", "friend", "employee", "writer". Because I could lose my parents, my wife, my friends, my job, and never become a published writer. So with that revelation comes, what I believe to be, the final truth. I am a creator, an entertainer, a teacher, and a helper. None of those things can be taken from me. Those are all things inherent in my personality, in who I exactly am. Even if I were to be the last person on this planet due to some incredible I-Am-Legend-related disaster, I can still create imaginatively...I can still entertain myself...I can still teach myself as I learn...and I can help myself through it all to the end. My desire, my drive to do all of those things will never subside, no matter where I am in the world.

Looking back over everything I've written in this post, I cannot help but feel an incredible happiness. I finally know who I am. I have faced the darkness within, looked my bare Self in the eye, and I didn't blink. There is no other feeling like this.

I am no longer a writer.

I am simply a man who writes.

Whether I become published, famous, well-known or anything of the sort - I will always love to write. That is my success.

Huh. The original title to this post was "Uncertainty".

I'm still going to write my Cleveland-based story about two brothers separated. I'm still going to write in this blog. I don't care if maybe only three people read it. I just don't know when that next time is going to be. This is an exercise. And apparently an exorcism. And that's helpful.

DNF

My wife and I were able to get our place set up and ready to receive my cousin. He came, we did stuff, and now he's away with friends of his. He may return to our abode before leaving for back home, he may not. Plans are a bit up in the air. The point is...as can be discerned from the title of this blog post...that I did not finish.

However, in choosing to look at the bright side, I cannot necessarily be disappointed in myself as I mostly expected this.

I'm horrible with writing deadlines. I can imagine myself being not-so-successful in the business because of this. Who knows, maybe with a financial incentive things would be different. I fear a lot of the excitement I had before for this project has just gone out. I find myself bored when I ask if I should write. Then I end up doing something else.

I've recently been trying to psych myself up and get back into the project, especially now that things have calmed down substantially at home. Job stresses are easing as well, and I'm hopeful for a position that's available to me. All of this combined is turning me back on to my project. But I fear that I'm not as interested as I used to be, and this is because I don't talk to anyone about the project. There's no back-and-forth. That always gets my blood pumping. So what does that mean? Am I meant to be a collaborative writer? With a partner or team? Who knows?

Someone on Twitter said: "Writing: 'This is interesting!' --> effort --> effort --> effort --> finished --> 'this is stupid, who cares'"

But with me, it feels like I don't ever reach the "finished" part before I get fed up and go "this is stupid, who cares". I was hoping that this blog would be a healthy output that would provide that communication for me, but there's no real return coming back .There's the "back" I need, but no "forth". And I understand and accept this. I knew from the moment I started this blog that it wouldn't be hugely popular, that I wouldn't have followers, that there wouldn't be intense open discussions here.

Knowing that, I still started the blog, because I thought it would be helpful for me to have an outlet of some kind...even if it was me and only me. I know the three reasons that people read blogs: 1) really good SEO, 2) really famous, or 3) really funny/interesting. I know I don't have any of those and I'm okay with that. I mean, notice how I barely follow any kind of schedule in making new posts.

So the point is...is this blog a successful outlet for my thoughts and frustrations regarding my writing?

And if it's not, do I continue writing for it? And where do I go to find that back-and-forth discussion that spurs me into action?

If I do find that someone or somewhere...do I keep this blog going anyway?

I do consider writing to be somewhat self-serving (in a more positive way than the term connotes), and this blog is about as self-serving as it gets (in more of the negative way). And yes, I am totally aware that this blog is a personal pity party. A PPP, if you will.

Hurdles

So to break tradition with the order of the content of my posts (see previous blog post), I would like to proudly announce that progress has STILL been made on the screenplay since I started it.

I have a very good outline drawn out that I will be referring to as I write Act-to-Act, and am about halfway through Act 1.

Now here come the hurdles. It really does feel like a relay. I started out strong, ahead of the pack, I made that first turn and pulled further ahead...and then I see the hurdles ahead - my kryptonite - and miss a couple, tripping up and falling behind.

Due to some unforeseen circumstances, the economy has started to take its toll on me and I am desperately struggling to find a new job. This scramble is taking time away from writing, which is truly frustrating given how far I've come in such a little time.

I am trying to work here and there, but things are a bit overwhelming for me at the moment and I'm having trouble focusing and staying dedicated. I would say outside influences on my life definitely have an adverse affect to my writing time.

Apart from the financial troubles, I have a relative (can one be called "long-lost" if we've never met before?) coming to visit for a bit over a week this month, so the wife and I are preparing for his arrival. Now I do not want, in any way, for this to be construed as frustration because I am beyond excited to meet and spend time with my cousin. So, while preparations are taking time from writing, it's for a great reason.

Now the antsy feeling I'm getting from his arrival is actually due to something very specific: the deadline that I've set for myself - to have a first rough draft of my screenplay finished by mid-July - well...that's for him. I want to finish it while he's here so he can read it. So I'm just nervous that I'm not going to be able to meet this deadline. Here's hoping though. Maybe a few all-nighters will get it done.

The good news about these hurdles is that they're temporary. Eventually, I will pass them all and be able to make a determined sprint for the finish line. As a plus, the job situation may work out brilliantly very soon. I have some good contacts that I'm using to try and get something excellent lined up. That will also help solve the financial hurdle. My cousin's visit is something I'm looking forward to immensely, and, while something of a hurdle, is one that I will easily clear without a problem.

The point is...everything will work out. In the everlasting words of the Blue Lantern Corps:

All will be well...

Yes, I'm a nerd.