Cloistered

Trying to deal with a few things in my life right now, and I'm struggling with it.

How do your personal feelings affect your writing?

Today I wrote out everything that I'm feeling about myself, specifically. It's pretty lengthy. It started with me saying how, earlier today, I felt really sick. And I was wrapped up in my own head thinking about my wife. I don't think I'm ready to put down on this blog, so publicly, everything that I wrote about myself. Frankly, I'm a very private person when it comes to that kind of thing. I don't want people offering their advice, I don't want pep talks, nothing like that. They always feel so empty, for some reason. Like...obligatory. I don't want pity encouragement. I guess I'm one of those "scary" types, where I'm outwardly very okay...but internally, it's very different. I can tell because my Mom can tell. Whenever I talk on the phone with her, she can hear it in my voice if I'm a little down...and she'll ask me if everything's okay. I'm usually pretty honest with her, about being less-than-okay if that's the case. But, again, I'm very private. I don't tell everything.

I figure, these are my problems. Nobody else should have to deal with them. Hell, I barely want to deal with them, why should I put that responsibility on someone else? No, these are for me to work through. Now, all this talk may seem all dark and ominous, but I can assure anyone reading this...I am not the self-destructive type. I used to be. Back in middle school, I was very depressed and all of the pressures eventually got the best of me, and I broke down to some pretty frightening thoughts. Luckily, a friend of mine, Chris, was there to help pull me up. I will always remember that day, Chris, and I will always be thankful to you.

However, I still battle various forms of depression from time to time as my roller coaster of a mind dips and rises to all the extremes. Today seems to be one of those overwhelming days, where everything starts culminating into one gigantic monster that appears unbeatable. Issues with my own writing, situations at home, and questions about my own future. Everything is pressing in on me, cornering me, and like a wild animal I'm looking for a way out. But at least I'm still fighting it, right? I think that's where some of my sickness was coming from this morning, that internal conflict.

I want to be happy. I want people around me to be happy. I'd also like to be able to contribute to their happiness. I understand what needs to be done to become happy, but then another aspect of my mentality, my personality, kicks in and I become unmotivated to do what needs to be done. I become lazy. It's a vicious cycle, my friends. And thus I am stuck in this perpetual loop. Things get better for a little bit, and I get lazy, and things get worse. Then I get desperate, work a smidge, and become complacent when things are a little better. This process is my enemy. I need to eliminate it. I need to take responsibility for my actions, much like my character, Daniel. We both try to run from our problems, to mask them and block them with other things that make us happy. We try ignoring them completely. And then we're surprised when it comes up and bites us on the nose.

I wonder how much of a nose I'll have left by the time I finally learn my lesson and change my behavior for good.

Thanks for reading. I'm trying not to be so self-pitying with this blog lately. But if I don't put the words down, like I did earlier, I'll just go insane. My thoughts need to be expressed, organized, and exorcised. Here's to the best in all of us.

Development

It'll be a short one today, hopefully. Gotta get back into writing!

How do you handle the unexpected?

So there have been some new developments in my life that have caused me to slack somewhat on my screenplay. Among those was my transition out of my previous job straight into my new one, which I started Thursday morning. This whole job process has been somewhat occupying my time, what with getting everything set and ready. But it would be unfair and, frankly, untrue to blame it solely - or even largely - on the new job acquisition.

Mainly? There are two things.

• In my script, I've been somewhat stuck. Not quite sure what should happen next, and how. My desire to keep action, dialog, and business fluid, realistic, and honest has prevented me from thinking of a solution to this scene I'm on. Usually that means a rewrite is in order, but I'm hoping an idea will come to me first. Rewrites can always happen the next time through the script. This is first draft, after all. My biggest concern with this is it's not good to be stuck when the STORY of the screenplay is already planned out. It should come more easily.
• Second, let's be honest here. I haven't been writing because a good portion of my time has been reading comics. I know, I know: those won't do me any good, they won't push me any further toward my goals, and they don't provide applicable substance to my exercises. I've heard it all before, trust me. But, lately, I've been really getting into this one writer at DC Comics who wrote both the last Green Arrow run (#s 1-12) and Teen Titans (#s 88-100). So I read all of his issues back-to-back to really see the full story of these books. And, from the viewpoint of someone who writes, these books are brilliant. I so thoroughly enjoyed them.

So those are finished now, and I won't be devoting quite as much time to those comics as I just did for the past week or so. I'll still continue to read comics, but more moderately and in a controlled fashion. Not as an excuse to fill time.

I should have more time to devote to writing now, and that excites me (which is good, for me, to be excited returning to an idea). I'm also considering using my days off to look into taking one or two writing courses at the local community college...see how I'd benefit. Back to the screenplay now!

What sorts of distractions normally, frequently get in your way? What does it take to realize you're putting things off and to get yourself back on track? Do you allot time from your daily schedule to devote to writing, no matter what?

Relaxation

Man, let me tell you (as if you didn't know already), there is nothing better after coming home from a long, stressful day at work than sitting down, and talking about and writing for my "new" story!

Today I realized just how incredibly excited about this project I have become. There is so much in place already, it just needs a stronger foundation and structure, not to mention a good amount of research. I have truly found something that I can be passionate about, and it's truly intoxicating.

But man...today was super stressful, and there were many, many times where I just wanted to outright scream as hard as I could at the person on the phone, then throw my handset across the room, and walk out of the building. Luckily nothing of the sort happened, and I still have a job. :)

After a day like today, some therapeutic writing will really cleanse my soul.

That's all. No real serious writing update.

UPDATE TO THIS POST

Okay, so tonight I finished the preliminary storyline for the plot. I have all the major details I need, which is GREAT. It just needs tweaking...and I'm good to start writing a treatment.

More info as it comes!!!