Distress

Here we go again, with those crazy ups and downs of mine.

What are some things that always ruin your writing mood?

Because I'm still not in the position where I'm being paid to write - and therefore do not have a much more real motivator to actually do the writing - I continue to operate under the fickle mindset of either I do feel like writing or I do not feel like writing.

I know there are some people out there who will say this does not matter. As a wise, old, green, pointy-eared man once said, "Do or do not. There is no try." And this much is very true in most cases. The same could be said even about this case as well.

But I'm not necessarily talking about some kind of crazy whim that takes control of my mood and says, "Oh, you're going to play video games instead," and then I follow. No, I mean what happens when you are truly upset about something, and there is absolutely no possible way you could bring yourself to write.

A few things are happening for me right now. I am at the tail-end of a very stressful move to our new residence, and so everything is still so in-motion and not yet locked-down. Also because of this, I'm also very tired from all the physicality involved (which, let's be honest, I'm not used to). We'll add to being tired with a new second job I've taken up at nights on the weekend (which means, on Saturday, I'm working two full-time jobs) to render me absolutely exhausted. I don't want to say I'm complaining...but I suppose I am. But I need the second job right now.

Finally, a large amount of work I had been doing on the "Brothers" story I was writing is now missing. The only completed work I have so far is not even half of what was originally done. I'm not sure if it's saved in another location that I cannot find, or if I accidentally saved over the last draft with the one I currently have. Either way, that's causing a lot of hardship, though I guess I could choose to look at it positively and say that it's an opportunity for a fresh start (which I've already begun).

So put all of that together, and you have one incredibly stressed-out guy. I'm beginning to lash out at others around me for idiotic things, I'm always tired, and I'm hating my job right now. I miss my friends, and I'm seriously sick of boxes. The good news is, after today, the move should be finished.

I wrote a short that I want to share, and will soon, about my frustrations with my job...and how my problems are laughable compared to the hardships of others. I'm actually pretty proud of what I did, because I was very truthful and revealing about myself. I ended up slightly hating the story because of how honest it was.

I'll probably post it up here soon, who knows?

Recovering

I'm trying to climb my way out of this funk. I'm not well-equipped to handle this amount of anger and depression.

What usually cheers you up?

So, from my last blog post, you may know that I've been a bit down lately. Well...it's been a real roller coaster this past week. I'm finally looking at the light at the end, but it's so bright that I can't tell how far ahead of me it actually is. So I don't know how far I'll have to go to reach it.

Basically I'm saying I don't know what I have to do to reach that happiness again.

Sterling Gates's Kid Flash Lost #1

J.T. Krul's Teen Titans #100

I've tried this. I've tried that. It all seems so up in the air. I have some things I'm looking forward to this month, and I'm sure I'll have a good time with those. I'm meeting DC Comics writer J.T. Krul (Teen Titans, Green Arrow, Captain Atom), and seeing writer Sterling Gates (Kid Flash Lost, Hawk & Dove) again, this Wednesday in Pasadena. I'm extremely excited about that. I also have a Chevelle concert the following Wednesday (and another meet-n-greet with J.T.).

That next Sunday, I'm flying out to Ohio to see my Mom...and then we're driving back to California together so she can live with us for a little while. I'm also very excited about this.

I'll be getting my own personal netbook next month, something I can carry with me places and whip it out whenever I feel like writing. Something to store all of my information on so that I can have it all in one, organized place.

"Nothing to show for it."

The beginning of November brings my birthday. I'll be a quarter of a century old. I'm not sure if that's something to be happy about or not yet...as I'm still struggling with that whole feeling of "having nothing to show for it" at this point (that's career-wise, mind you). How long is THAT lovely feeling going to last?

So I do have reasons to be happy. But last night and today, I was just SO ANGRY. It's like George Carlin said: I hate it when cashiers tell me to have a great day. What if I didn't want a great day? What if I had 364 good days in a row, and I just really want to have a shitty day?

It's like that. It's almost like I'm determined to have a bad day.

Last night, I felt so frustrated and destructive that I decided to try and be constructive with that energy, instead of internalizing it and causing myself emotional harm. I decided to take it out on the only kinds of people who can continually and silently take that kind of punishment: my characters. They take everything and anything I throw at them. I focused my writing anger into a writer character - for my next story idea. I wrote a quick scene in which the character, fed up with everything around him, contemplated and even attempted suicide in a heated emotional moment. But he chickens out. This turned into the scene that I want to start the screenplay with, maybe. And today, as I sat here, unusually pissed off at my work, I wrote more about this story...piecing the beginnings together.

It's turned into something that, while somewhat hollow still, I can go off.

So I'm trying to bring myself out of it. I'm trying to feel better. I want to feel better. But sometimes it's hard. It's difficult to just switch off angry mode. But...I have a couple days off now. My mid-week weekend starts tomorrow. It'll be good to unwind. Do some housework to keep my mind occupied. Then some more writing. Hopefully tomorrow I won't be wearing my angry face.

Unproductivity

Well I had a three-day, Memorial Day weekend in which existed plenty of time to further my research. I did, at first, on Friday. I spoke with a family member who had further knowledge of crime in Cleveland back in the '60s. That was superbly helpful. But after that, I only really talked about the project twice during the whole weekend. And now, today, I'm paying the price for it. I'm beating myself up for my inactivity.

This is a dangerous point in the story-making process for me. This is limbo. This is that span of time in between serious story preparation and serious story writing where it's up to me to stay on top of the project, to make sure I'm doing everything I need to do, before I actually start writing. Many times in the past, I've struggled here with projects that never make it out of limbo...that are stuck in development hell.

So I'm at that point again with this story...and it's a story that I'm excited to write - I'm invested, I'm anxious. I want this to happen, to work. I want this story told. I've never felt this kind of fire in my chest for any past project. And I've always been excited about my past projects. Therefore the self-inflicted consequences of not getting this done are so much greater.

That all having been said, today I understandably feel awful. I feel like I squandered the weekend away with nonsense that won't amount to anything worth while. It definitely didn't contribute to the project or its progress. So what the hell was it for? Why didn't I work? Man, I hope I can get my head back on straight...because I can't stay this unhappy with myself for long. I don't want to depress myself.

My goal remains to have at least a first draft script ready and done by the end of July. I still think I can accomplish that, since I now have about two months to go. That's plenty of time to get the script written. Now it's just a matter of getting myself to actually do it. No more random bursts of accomplishment. No more small moments of success.

I'm in it to win it.

Dawg.

Narrowed

In my search through the history of our nation and its most well-known "steel towns", I have found a lot of interesting information. I know I want the story of the two brothers set against that kind of backdrop, and I want that industrial infrastructure to have influence on the story too. There were four cities that I could think of that are known for their industrial economic base: Detroit, Louisville, Cleveland, and Pittsburgh.

At first, Detroit was really a place that I could imagine the story taking place. I was really into that idea. But as I delved into the Motor City's history, I realized that it just doesn't fit demographically and due to other story requirements that I had.

It pleased me, though, to see that - as I researched the other cities - one of them was really pulling through as a definite possibility. My home-away-from-home, Cleveland. I have to admit, I love Cleveland. Probably because I don't live there. Though I think if I were to move there, it would take some time to finally get tired of it. Everyone who lives there/grew up there say the same thing - they wish they could get out of Cleveland.

And you know what? That's perfect for my story. 

So I started doing more and more research on Cleveland between the 1950s and 1980s, forming a history for the family in my story based around the actual history of Cleveland. I spoke with family of mine that spent their lives there, that had firsthand knowledge of what it was like back then.

I'm really finding that this will really fit my story. I'm finding this is the setting the story needs, deserves. I'm happy that I've found my city. Cleveland has always held a special place in my heart - visiting family during the holidays, going to Indians games in the summer and fall, chilling in Strongsville and Lakewood, driving up to Cedar Point...all sorts of fun was had throughout my life in my many visits to Cleveland.

So now it's just a matter of narrowing down the time frame that this will all take place in. As I mentioned before, I have certain time periods that are my favorites, and learning more about Cleveland in those times is a blast. I'm having so much fun with this research. I cannot wait to start putting in the pieces of real-world situations and problems into the background of my story.

There you have it, folks. Story's set in Cleveland.