Halted

Feeling guilty?  ...Or free?

Has time off ever felt this good?

I think this new frame of mind is finally settling in comfortably. It's got its flannel blanket, its slippers, robe, newspaper or what-have-you...seated back in its favorite chair. I had said previously that I didn't want to write for the "success" of it...to be a famous writer. I wanted to write simply because it made me feel good, because I liked being creative. Just for the sake of writing. At first it was rocky. I felt guilty when I didn't write, didn't get any work done. And that's after, like, two days!

Now? It's been over a month. I haven't written for the "My Missing Brother" story in over a month, since before I left for Cleveland. I also haven't been updating this blog. I thought this would eat away at me. I thought I would feel awful for not trying to live the dream, or at least achieve something! But I don't. I feel fine with it. I've accepted that there will be times when I'm just not feeling it. When I plain don't want to write. And since I'm not relying on any sort of paycheck or anything...there's no fire under my butt to finish.

Now, there was one thing.... I was approached on Twitter by a nice guy who offered his company's professional reading service to me. I was really pleased and excited by this, and really am thinking of taking up the offer. However, I get the impression it's somewhat time-sensitive. And that's cool, I get it. But...if I'm not writing, the window of opportunity closes a little more every day, and I get further from the possibility of qualifying for that offer. I'm both upset and okay with this. It's kind of weird.

I have and I haven't been busy. Sure, I could offer up all kinds of excuses: I'm working, spending time with my wife, spending time with my mom - who's back in town after years of being away, doing things with friends more often, blah blah blah. I also have a Tumblr that I check every day, so I'm spending time on that now, too. Batman: Arkham City just came out, so I've been doing that a lot (and, GOD, is it good!). There's so many other things that I'm choosing to do with my time instead of writing.

Yes, I completely understand that it's never going to get done if I don't DO IT -- but, for once, I don't feel bad about not doing it. It's more of a feeling of, "When I'm ready for it, I'll do it," right now. I guess I'm just not ready.

There is a flip side to this, though. Isn't there always? Alright, so I'm at peace with not writing at this moment. How long will that last? I just had a birthday two days ago. I'm a quarter-of-a-century old now. And please, older folk who've "been around the block" or whatever, don't laugh at how young I am and "how much time I have." I've heard it all (cynical much?). How am I going to feel about my non-progress next month? Next year? When will I start again? And how does this affect my projected timeline?

Everyone has one - a timeline. Something that they have in their minds of where they expect or hope to be at certain points in their life. A plan. Goals. Whatever you want to call it. So what's mine? If I were focused on the success and fame of writing, then I know I should be panicking right now. 25 years old? No real significant, completed work under my belt to show for it? That's not good for publishing or financial success, in my opinion. But, since I feel like I'm okay with not writing for now, that shouldn't matter. And I'm not panicking. I just wonder...how long will that last? 

How much time do I really have?

See, back to that now. Yeah, I just turned 25. Yeah, I'm still young. It's the oldest I've ever been. I'm always told two things - and it's really confusing (tell me if you've heard these before): "You're still young, you've got a lot of time ahead of you," whenever someone encourages me to take my time with things or not to worry -- and, "That time is gonna fly right by, and before you know it, you're 40-something wondering where it all went," whenever I reiterate the first one.

So which is it?

Do I have time? Or don't I?

Or is it a combination? I have time to do what I want, but make sure I do it before it's too late? Still kind of confusing and contradictory, but I'll take it, I guess. Hey, at least I don't have kids I need to worry about and take up my time as well. Yet.

Stretched

I'm not quite sure how much longer I'll be able to take this. A bit overdramatic? Yeah, I do that.

How do you avoid your breaking point?

The computer's back from the losers at Geek Squad, who WAY over-priced me. In fact, it was so over-priced that we didn't have the work done it needed. Just had them send it back. So the computer's not very healthy right now. We're looking into other solutions (I work for a computer hardware parts supplier now, so who knows?). But enough about that.

Not having that, and not having continual access to Twitter and this blog has been somewhat aggravating. I definitely don't want to start lashing out at people through my frustration. I've been feeling this anxiety lately. It definitely came about while out with some friends the other night. It's weird - I'm out for drinks with these great people, and we're having a good time and all, but I suddenly get this unsettling feeling that I'm not doing enough when it comes to my writing. Where the hell did that come from? Out of nowhere! I'm familiar with this anxiety, it happens occasionally, especially when I haven't been writing for a while. Just yesterday, I Tweeted that I had a compelling urge to blog, but didn't have any subject to blog about.

So it's definitely that there's this feeling eating away at me, and it's becoming violent with me. Maybe this is my muse, trying to knock me around a bit like a wife that won't make a sandwich. There's something in me, fighting to be noticed, used. It's even come to the point where, in lieu of actually writing, I've started just imagining stories in my head and letting them play out.

Like the picture above, I feel like each of my threads have been cut, one by one, just to see how long it will take to get me to the last one, and to the point where I just go crazy. So I've been trying to do things to get my mind off it and to keep me from that moment. It's been working, sure, and I'm pleasantly distracted, but apparently it's not enough if I'm having these bouts with this anxiety and it's making me twitch.

It's come to this, then. I need to find some way of being able to stick with my writing on a regular basis - computer problems be damned. Right now, I'm sitting in a new-paint-smelling office on a slow Saturday at work. There's definitely enough time to open up a Notepad document and just start writing. Thing is...I'm not real comfortable working on the "My Missing Brother" story, really, because it's been so long and I don't have all the information here. So maybe I'll try something else. Just a simple exercise. Maybe I'll try one of Girls With Pens' writing prompts that they regularly post.

All I know is I need some fun. I need something that's stimulating and interesting. Who knows...maybe it'll turn into something to add to my list of ideas that I want to develop.

Do you have anxiety attacks about writing/not writing? How do you overcome that feeling? How long have you gone at one time without writing for any of your ideas? Do you find regular, non-related exercises helpful?

Thanks for reading! Go check out Girls With Pens too!

Development

It'll be a short one today, hopefully. Gotta get back into writing!

How do you handle the unexpected?

So there have been some new developments in my life that have caused me to slack somewhat on my screenplay. Among those was my transition out of my previous job straight into my new one, which I started Thursday morning. This whole job process has been somewhat occupying my time, what with getting everything set and ready. But it would be unfair and, frankly, untrue to blame it solely - or even largely - on the new job acquisition.

Mainly? There are two things.

• In my script, I've been somewhat stuck. Not quite sure what should happen next, and how. My desire to keep action, dialog, and business fluid, realistic, and honest has prevented me from thinking of a solution to this scene I'm on. Usually that means a rewrite is in order, but I'm hoping an idea will come to me first. Rewrites can always happen the next time through the script. This is first draft, after all. My biggest concern with this is it's not good to be stuck when the STORY of the screenplay is already planned out. It should come more easily.
• Second, let's be honest here. I haven't been writing because a good portion of my time has been reading comics. I know, I know: those won't do me any good, they won't push me any further toward my goals, and they don't provide applicable substance to my exercises. I've heard it all before, trust me. But, lately, I've been really getting into this one writer at DC Comics who wrote both the last Green Arrow run (#s 1-12) and Teen Titans (#s 88-100). So I read all of his issues back-to-back to really see the full story of these books. And, from the viewpoint of someone who writes, these books are brilliant. I so thoroughly enjoyed them.

So those are finished now, and I won't be devoting quite as much time to those comics as I just did for the past week or so. I'll still continue to read comics, but more moderately and in a controlled fashion. Not as an excuse to fill time.

I should have more time to devote to writing now, and that excites me (which is good, for me, to be excited returning to an idea). I'm also considering using my days off to look into taking one or two writing courses at the local community college...see how I'd benefit. Back to the screenplay now!

What sorts of distractions normally, frequently get in your way? What does it take to realize you're putting things off and to get yourself back on track? Do you allot time from your daily schedule to devote to writing, no matter what?

DNF

My wife and I were able to get our place set up and ready to receive my cousin. He came, we did stuff, and now he's away with friends of his. He may return to our abode before leaving for back home, he may not. Plans are a bit up in the air. The point is...as can be discerned from the title of this blog post...that I did not finish.

However, in choosing to look at the bright side, I cannot necessarily be disappointed in myself as I mostly expected this.

I'm horrible with writing deadlines. I can imagine myself being not-so-successful in the business because of this. Who knows, maybe with a financial incentive things would be different. I fear a lot of the excitement I had before for this project has just gone out. I find myself bored when I ask if I should write. Then I end up doing something else.

I've recently been trying to psych myself up and get back into the project, especially now that things have calmed down substantially at home. Job stresses are easing as well, and I'm hopeful for a position that's available to me. All of this combined is turning me back on to my project. But I fear that I'm not as interested as I used to be, and this is because I don't talk to anyone about the project. There's no back-and-forth. That always gets my blood pumping. So what does that mean? Am I meant to be a collaborative writer? With a partner or team? Who knows?

Someone on Twitter said: "Writing: 'This is interesting!' --> effort --> effort --> effort --> finished --> 'this is stupid, who cares'"

But with me, it feels like I don't ever reach the "finished" part before I get fed up and go "this is stupid, who cares". I was hoping that this blog would be a healthy output that would provide that communication for me, but there's no real return coming back .There's the "back" I need, but no "forth". And I understand and accept this. I knew from the moment I started this blog that it wouldn't be hugely popular, that I wouldn't have followers, that there wouldn't be intense open discussions here.

Knowing that, I still started the blog, because I thought it would be helpful for me to have an outlet of some kind...even if it was me and only me. I know the three reasons that people read blogs: 1) really good SEO, 2) really famous, or 3) really funny/interesting. I know I don't have any of those and I'm okay with that. I mean, notice how I barely follow any kind of schedule in making new posts.

So the point is...is this blog a successful outlet for my thoughts and frustrations regarding my writing?

And if it's not, do I continue writing for it? And where do I go to find that back-and-forth discussion that spurs me into action?

If I do find that someone or somewhere...do I keep this blog going anyway?

I do consider writing to be somewhat self-serving (in a more positive way than the term connotes), and this blog is about as self-serving as it gets (in more of the negative way). And yes, I am totally aware that this blog is a personal pity party. A PPP, if you will.

Hurdles

So to break tradition with the order of the content of my posts (see previous blog post), I would like to proudly announce that progress has STILL been made on the screenplay since I started it.

I have a very good outline drawn out that I will be referring to as I write Act-to-Act, and am about halfway through Act 1.

Now here come the hurdles. It really does feel like a relay. I started out strong, ahead of the pack, I made that first turn and pulled further ahead...and then I see the hurdles ahead - my kryptonite - and miss a couple, tripping up and falling behind.

Due to some unforeseen circumstances, the economy has started to take its toll on me and I am desperately struggling to find a new job. This scramble is taking time away from writing, which is truly frustrating given how far I've come in such a little time.

I am trying to work here and there, but things are a bit overwhelming for me at the moment and I'm having trouble focusing and staying dedicated. I would say outside influences on my life definitely have an adverse affect to my writing time.

Apart from the financial troubles, I have a relative (can one be called "long-lost" if we've never met before?) coming to visit for a bit over a week this month, so the wife and I are preparing for his arrival. Now I do not want, in any way, for this to be construed as frustration because I am beyond excited to meet and spend time with my cousin. So, while preparations are taking time from writing, it's for a great reason.

Now the antsy feeling I'm getting from his arrival is actually due to something very specific: the deadline that I've set for myself - to have a first rough draft of my screenplay finished by mid-July - well...that's for him. I want to finish it while he's here so he can read it. So I'm just nervous that I'm not going to be able to meet this deadline. Here's hoping though. Maybe a few all-nighters will get it done.

The good news about these hurdles is that they're temporary. Eventually, I will pass them all and be able to make a determined sprint for the finish line. As a plus, the job situation may work out brilliantly very soon. I have some good contacts that I'm using to try and get something excellent lined up. That will also help solve the financial hurdle. My cousin's visit is something I'm looking forward to immensely, and, while something of a hurdle, is one that I will easily clear without a problem.

The point is...everything will work out. In the everlasting words of the Blue Lantern Corps:

All will be well...

Yes, I'm a nerd.

Overwhelming

My unproductivity from the last blog post has persisted.

It, along with a number of other things going on in my life, has driven me into a state of moderate depression.

Like most people in this economic climate, I am experiencing financial troubles. Thankfully, I have a job and a home and a wife with an equal income to mine. But certain situations have led up to us clinging to each dollar and cent we have. This will pass, of course, as it always does. I know this. We always get through. Sure, things will be stressful for a few weeks while we build everything back up...but it's still a very depressing state in which to be.

On top of that, and a couple other things, I'm having yet another creative crisis. This seems to happen to me very often, which worries me. I mean, is this going to affect my professional career, when the time comes that I'm writing on a schedule for a planned movie to start pre-production? There's that too: am I even going to get to that point?

That's what has me all upset. I feel like every day I slip further and further away from that life goal...that career that I so desperately want. I do want this for myself, for my future family, pretty much more than anything else. I know that. That is a truth.

So...why can't I do it?

What is keeping me from this stupid project? What is stopping me from writing? Why aren't I motivated? I KNOW I WANT THIS! So why am I not doing ABSOLUTELY everything I can to make it work? What's holding me back? I don't understand this! I'm afraid that I never will understand this! I'm scared that this is some kind of condition, sickness or complex, you know? Am I subconsciously keeping myself from success? From happiness? There's no real other logical explanation I can think of. Why would I do that? I've already mentioned that this is the thing I want...so why keep myself from it? Do I somehow feel I deserve punishment for something?

I really cannot figure this out. And it's frightening that I can't figure it out. I have the goal and the dream, and the desire. But what's missing is my drive and motivation, my determination. I even tried the ever-famous advice of setting a goal for myself, a time-frame in which to complete part of the project. But June is more than a quarter through now...and I'm not close to achieving that marker.

There's so much that's just frustrating me right now. And I'm having trouble reconciling everything. So here I am, pleading into the infinite and uncaring universe that something in me will change. That I will find some kind of reason, or understanding. That I will find my spark and turn it into an everlasting nuclear reactor of creative energy and drive.

I want to be hopeful. I want to be positive.

But I know myself.

Unproductivity

Well I had a three-day, Memorial Day weekend in which existed plenty of time to further my research. I did, at first, on Friday. I spoke with a family member who had further knowledge of crime in Cleveland back in the '60s. That was superbly helpful. But after that, I only really talked about the project twice during the whole weekend. And now, today, I'm paying the price for it. I'm beating myself up for my inactivity.

This is a dangerous point in the story-making process for me. This is limbo. This is that span of time in between serious story preparation and serious story writing where it's up to me to stay on top of the project, to make sure I'm doing everything I need to do, before I actually start writing. Many times in the past, I've struggled here with projects that never make it out of limbo...that are stuck in development hell.

So I'm at that point again with this story...and it's a story that I'm excited to write - I'm invested, I'm anxious. I want this to happen, to work. I want this story told. I've never felt this kind of fire in my chest for any past project. And I've always been excited about my past projects. Therefore the self-inflicted consequences of not getting this done are so much greater.

That all having been said, today I understandably feel awful. I feel like I squandered the weekend away with nonsense that won't amount to anything worth while. It definitely didn't contribute to the project or its progress. So what the hell was it for? Why didn't I work? Man, I hope I can get my head back on straight...because I can't stay this unhappy with myself for long. I don't want to depress myself.

My goal remains to have at least a first draft script ready and done by the end of July. I still think I can accomplish that, since I now have about two months to go. That's plenty of time to get the script written. Now it's just a matter of getting myself to actually do it. No more random bursts of accomplishment. No more small moments of success.

I'm in it to win it.

Dawg.

Sincerity

Go easy on me, this is my first blog post sent via email.

I have to ask myself today: Am I serious?

I've been talking about writing being a career of mine since high school, possibly before (sincerely, though, since high school). And here I am, with ample time to get some writing done on my project, doing anything but.

Instead I am passing my time browsing the puzzle games on the internet, and mastering my Sudoku skills.

Don't get me wrong, those activities are quite enjoyable. But you can't (strangely) make a career out of earning all the achievement badges on Kongregate.com. And if it's not that, then it's video games. Or TV. Or this and that, and this and that. So...the question begs asking:

Am I serious?

Do I have the drive to start a project and see it through? Do I have the determination to be able to STOP. AT. NOTHING...to get my ideas out to the public in the way I want? Do I sacrifice other activities, time doing other things I enjoy that are much easier than constructing a solid, compelling story; to dedicate my time to my work?

Right now, no. And that, folks, is depressing.

But why is that? I know I have only myself to blame. I'm well aware of my 100% involvement in my own despair. The question I have now is "why?" What is making me do this? Why is my drive so out of gas? I know I'm not tired of my story, not bored with my project - it's still a very exciting project to me! I love the story, I love the characters, and I love how they're growing and developing, right before my eyes.

And I am making progress. It's not like it's a stagnant, stale and static (yay, alliteration!) piece of junk that's just not going anywhere. It's taking shape. It's growing. It's becoming a full story, and I'm behind it! But I don't want to be the writer that makes a little bit of progress on his work every month and a half.

My goal set in my previous blog post, about finishing the written-story of my screenplay before going to bed that night?

Yeah, I fell asleep.

My goal to have, at least, a first draft of the screenplay finished by the end of July is looking more and more unattainable the more and more inactive I become.

So, WAKE UP, David! Get your ass in gear! Get it together! Get that damn story written! It's a story that needs to be told, needs to be heard, and needs to be seen! What is it going to take?! I NEED TO KNOW!

Here's to hard work, determination, and the will to have the life I want as a successful screenwriter.

Let's get this done.

Diversion

It appears that I have, once again, not updated this blog with the frequency that I would like.

However this is an acceptable absence for me. We have taken this time to remodel our living room. When my wife and I moved into this place, we didn't have any of our own furniture. It all came from the good will of other people. While we appreciate those gestures, it's nice to finally start building our future together in the form of FURNITURE!

So this past week we have been hard at work demolishing old furniture and assembling new things. We are expecting more this weekend, and then it should be finished. I'm very excited about what's coming.

It may also be of some coincidence that my lack of progress with the writing project is related to me having forgotten my book at home each day of the week. Thus I have not been able to read at work. A bit of a bummer, yes, but I'm going to be more vigilant in remembering to bring the book every day.

More updates to come soon! Including pictures of the completed living room!

Addition

So here's something interesting. No sooner than I posted on this chronicling than a friend of mine approaches me with an offer of collaboration on an idea he has. I began to grapple, then, with the idea of working on multiple projects (with help on one), and trying to focus on just one so that I can actually get it done.

This is my real problem: Can I actually divert enough of my attention to both projects without sacrificing the quality or time-frame of either?

So here is where I'm worried. Do I go for it? I feel like I'll have enough help in BOTH cases to be able to focus on each fairly. For example -

• The source material for the book is given to me. I will have to create my own stuff for the screenplay, yes, but the basis for everything I need is there already. So creation itself will not be as necessary. Just more of a translation into another language.

• With this second project, this collaboration, it will be just that: working together with another writer. So I will not be the only one on this new thing. I will not be solely tasked with creating every detail. That is definitely a plus.

I believe, for a writer in my stage of professional development, that these are two prime examples of how I need to start my career. Projects where I am not the only person behind the wheel, in some sense of the phrase. I guess I'm looking for advice? Suggestions? Guidance? Something along those lines. What do I do in my case? Do I devote myself completely to just one project until it's finished? Because, with a screenplay, it can take months and months, even more, to perfect. Or do I risk it and try out two projects - even if the second project has minimal involvement until I feel comfortable enough to work on it more and more, over time?

This is my dilemma. What needs to happen?