Halted

Feeling guilty?  ...Or free?

Has time off ever felt this good?

I think this new frame of mind is finally settling in comfortably. It's got its flannel blanket, its slippers, robe, newspaper or what-have-you...seated back in its favorite chair. I had said previously that I didn't want to write for the "success" of it...to be a famous writer. I wanted to write simply because it made me feel good, because I liked being creative. Just for the sake of writing. At first it was rocky. I felt guilty when I didn't write, didn't get any work done. And that's after, like, two days!

Now? It's been over a month. I haven't written for the "My Missing Brother" story in over a month, since before I left for Cleveland. I also haven't been updating this blog. I thought this would eat away at me. I thought I would feel awful for not trying to live the dream, or at least achieve something! But I don't. I feel fine with it. I've accepted that there will be times when I'm just not feeling it. When I plain don't want to write. And since I'm not relying on any sort of paycheck or anything...there's no fire under my butt to finish.

Now, there was one thing.... I was approached on Twitter by a nice guy who offered his company's professional reading service to me. I was really pleased and excited by this, and really am thinking of taking up the offer. However, I get the impression it's somewhat time-sensitive. And that's cool, I get it. But...if I'm not writing, the window of opportunity closes a little more every day, and I get further from the possibility of qualifying for that offer. I'm both upset and okay with this. It's kind of weird.

I have and I haven't been busy. Sure, I could offer up all kinds of excuses: I'm working, spending time with my wife, spending time with my mom - who's back in town after years of being away, doing things with friends more often, blah blah blah. I also have a Tumblr that I check every day, so I'm spending time on that now, too. Batman: Arkham City just came out, so I've been doing that a lot (and, GOD, is it good!). There's so many other things that I'm choosing to do with my time instead of writing.

Yes, I completely understand that it's never going to get done if I don't DO IT -- but, for once, I don't feel bad about not doing it. It's more of a feeling of, "When I'm ready for it, I'll do it," right now. I guess I'm just not ready.

There is a flip side to this, though. Isn't there always? Alright, so I'm at peace with not writing at this moment. How long will that last? I just had a birthday two days ago. I'm a quarter-of-a-century old now. And please, older folk who've "been around the block" or whatever, don't laugh at how young I am and "how much time I have." I've heard it all (cynical much?). How am I going to feel about my non-progress next month? Next year? When will I start again? And how does this affect my projected timeline?

Everyone has one - a timeline. Something that they have in their minds of where they expect or hope to be at certain points in their life. A plan. Goals. Whatever you want to call it. So what's mine? If I were focused on the success and fame of writing, then I know I should be panicking right now. 25 years old? No real significant, completed work under my belt to show for it? That's not good for publishing or financial success, in my opinion. But, since I feel like I'm okay with not writing for now, that shouldn't matter. And I'm not panicking. I just wonder...how long will that last? 

How much time do I really have?

See, back to that now. Yeah, I just turned 25. Yeah, I'm still young. It's the oldest I've ever been. I'm always told two things - and it's really confusing (tell me if you've heard these before): "You're still young, you've got a lot of time ahead of you," whenever someone encourages me to take my time with things or not to worry -- and, "That time is gonna fly right by, and before you know it, you're 40-something wondering where it all went," whenever I reiterate the first one.

So which is it?

Do I have time? Or don't I?

Or is it a combination? I have time to do what I want, but make sure I do it before it's too late? Still kind of confusing and contradictory, but I'll take it, I guess. Hey, at least I don't have kids I need to worry about and take up my time as well. Yet.