What usually cheers you up?
Basically I'm saying I don't know what I have to do to reach that happiness again.
 |
| Sterling Gates's Kid Flash Lost #1 |
 |
| J.T. Krul's Teen Titans #100 |
I've tried this. I've tried that. It all seems so up in the air. I have some things I'm looking forward to this month, and I'm sure I'll have a good time with those. I'm meeting DC Comics writer J.T. Krul (Teen Titans, Green Arrow, Captain Atom), and seeing writer Sterling Gates (Kid Flash Lost, Hawk & Dove) again, this Wednesday in Pasadena. I'm extremely excited about that. I also have a Chevelle concert the following Wednesday (and another meet-n-greet with J.T.).
That next Sunday, I'm flying out to Ohio to see my Mom...and then we're driving back to California together so she can live with us for a little while. I'm also very excited about this.
I'll be getting my own personal netbook next month, something I can carry with me places and whip it out whenever I feel like writing. Something to store all of my information on so that I can have it all in one, organized place.
 |
| "Nothing to show for it." |
So I do have reasons to be happy. But last night and today, I was just SO ANGRY. It's like George Carlin said: I hate it when cashiers tell me to have a great day. What if I didn't want a great day? What if I had 364 good days in a row, and I just really want to have a shitty day?
It's like that. It's almost like I'm determined to have a bad day.
Last night, I felt so frustrated and destructive that I decided to try and be constructive with that energy, instead of internalizing it and causing myself emotional harm. I decided to take it out on the only kinds of people who can continually and silently take that kind of punishment: my characters. They take everything and anything I throw at them. I focused my writing anger into a writer character - for my next story idea. I wrote a quick scene in which the character, fed up with everything around him, contemplated and even attempted suicide in a heated emotional moment. But he chickens out. This turned into the scene that I want to start the screenplay with, maybe. And today, as I sat here, unusually pissed off at my work, I wrote more about this story...piecing the beginnings together.It's turned into something that, while somewhat hollow still, I can go off.
So I'm trying to bring myself out of it. I'm trying to feel better. I want to feel better. But sometimes it's hard. It's difficult to just switch off angry mode. But...I have a couple days off now. My mid-week weekend starts tomorrow. It'll be good to unwind. Do some housework to keep my mind occupied. Then some more writing. Hopefully tomorrow I won't be wearing my angry face.
Reading your post I can't help but be reminded of myself. You have unfortunately inherited this wonderful condition just as I have. Damn Houk's (I mean Hopper's)! It seems that you continually are looking outside yourself to fill you up with happiness. I'm sorry to say, but this can only work temporarily because all true happiness has to come from within. It has to be self-generated. No thing or event will MAKE you happy. That being said, still go and enjoy those things and get out of it as much as you can. Your Mom is coming back, that must feel nice. She seems very supportive and I'm glad.
ReplyDeleteYes you're going to be 25. DUDE! Live it, milk it, love it! I WISH I could be 25 again. You are in your prime. The feeling of having nothing to show for it, made me giggle a little. I'm 46 and have little to show for it so you are not alone. Try not to focus on that because it's different for everybody. Some of the happiest people in the world have nothing. Remember that. Things and achievements don't define you! Writing is a wonderful way to get out your anger. Keep doing that. Look into a doctor appointment as soon as you're able. That will help too! And remember....I love you man!
Thanks for the support. I do feel better now, and things are starting to look up. I did have fun on Wednesday, and I'm still looking forward to the other events that are coming up. I understand about self-generated happiness, and I know it's possible...it's just that sometimes it feels like the happiness machine is out of order, and waiting for a technician to fix it. So, during that time, I do try to distract myself with stuff that makes me feel good. Let's just thank goodness it's comics, and not drugs.
ReplyDeleteI do have renewed plans for my writing (see my latest blog post), and so I'm excited to get started again. I did have a doctor's appointment on Wednesday, and we do have a plan. So hopefully that will also help balance me out. Love you too!