Cloistered

Trying to deal with a few things in my life right now, and I'm struggling with it.

How do your personal feelings affect your writing?

Today I wrote out everything that I'm feeling about myself, specifically. It's pretty lengthy. It started with me saying how, earlier today, I felt really sick. And I was wrapped up in my own head thinking about my wife. I don't think I'm ready to put down on this blog, so publicly, everything that I wrote about myself. Frankly, I'm a very private person when it comes to that kind of thing. I don't want people offering their advice, I don't want pep talks, nothing like that. They always feel so empty, for some reason. Like...obligatory. I don't want pity encouragement. I guess I'm one of those "scary" types, where I'm outwardly very okay...but internally, it's very different. I can tell because my Mom can tell. Whenever I talk on the phone with her, she can hear it in my voice if I'm a little down...and she'll ask me if everything's okay. I'm usually pretty honest with her, about being less-than-okay if that's the case. But, again, I'm very private. I don't tell everything.

I figure, these are my problems. Nobody else should have to deal with them. Hell, I barely want to deal with them, why should I put that responsibility on someone else? No, these are for me to work through. Now, all this talk may seem all dark and ominous, but I can assure anyone reading this...I am not the self-destructive type. I used to be. Back in middle school, I was very depressed and all of the pressures eventually got the best of me, and I broke down to some pretty frightening thoughts. Luckily, a friend of mine, Chris, was there to help pull me up. I will always remember that day, Chris, and I will always be thankful to you.

However, I still battle various forms of depression from time to time as my roller coaster of a mind dips and rises to all the extremes. Today seems to be one of those overwhelming days, where everything starts culminating into one gigantic monster that appears unbeatable. Issues with my own writing, situations at home, and questions about my own future. Everything is pressing in on me, cornering me, and like a wild animal I'm looking for a way out. But at least I'm still fighting it, right? I think that's where some of my sickness was coming from this morning, that internal conflict.

I want to be happy. I want people around me to be happy. I'd also like to be able to contribute to their happiness. I understand what needs to be done to become happy, but then another aspect of my mentality, my personality, kicks in and I become unmotivated to do what needs to be done. I become lazy. It's a vicious cycle, my friends. And thus I am stuck in this perpetual loop. Things get better for a little bit, and I get lazy, and things get worse. Then I get desperate, work a smidge, and become complacent when things are a little better. This process is my enemy. I need to eliminate it. I need to take responsibility for my actions, much like my character, Daniel. We both try to run from our problems, to mask them and block them with other things that make us happy. We try ignoring them completely. And then we're surprised when it comes up and bites us on the nose.

I wonder how much of a nose I'll have left by the time I finally learn my lesson and change my behavior for good.

Thanks for reading. I'm trying not to be so self-pitying with this blog lately. But if I don't put the words down, like I did earlier, I'll just go insane. My thoughts need to be expressed, organized, and exorcised. Here's to the best in all of us.